You’ll shoot your…wait a minute…

By December 24, 2018Humor, My Previous Life

As we approach the holidays I wanted to share a story about a Christmas when I was about 14 or 15. My parents were still together and the youngest aunt on my mothers side was just striking out on her own in a big city where she landed a management job in an Adult Toy Store. She was excited to finally have a job that allowed her the income to buy everyone presents in the family and especially excited that she got a discount at her store. But disappointed she wouldn’t be able to spend the holiday with us.  So she shipped us all our presents pre-wrapped.

It’s Christmas eve and we stick to our family tradition of opening all family gifts on Christmas Eve and wait for Santa to visit Christmas night to open all of Santa’s presents the next morning. My sister and I sorted all the presents out among our family members which consisted of about 4 or 5 adult cousins, 2 aunts, my parents, my sister, and my Grandma. I sit away from everyone so I can have a good view of everyone opening their gifts and patiently wait my turn. 

At some point, one of my cousins decides to open my Aunts present. She was getting married the next year and so it was really no surprise when she opened up a female sex toy.  Next, her fiance opens his and it too is a sex toy for their honeymoon, soon all the adults had a good laugh at this and were opening my aunt’s gifts. Everyone had received a sex toy or a gag gift from my aunt so far except my sister and I…

I was only 14 or 15 and very self-conscious about talking about masturbation or anyone knowing I did it. It was all good fun watching everyone else get gag gifts but I was so afraid/excited of what she may have gotten me that I saved her gifts until the end. I was afraid to open it in front of everyone but I was excited because I thought I knew exactly what she got me. I cautiously opened the smaller of the two gifts from her and was very confused when I opened a strange themed stationery set that didn’t look like my aunt’s style and sure as hell wasn’t my style. I faked enthusiasm and set it aside feeling a bit relieved. As everyone opened their next presents I ripped the corner of my final gift from my aunt to get a peak of what it was and was immediately horrified.

Earlier my grandma had taken my aunts present and set it off to the side when they were being revealed saying she was just going to open it by herself later so she wouldn’t turn red and everyone in the family laughed. So when my turn came up I attempted to be cute like my grandma and I smiled and said, “I’m just gonna save this one to open by myself.” Which of course is the wrong thing to say around my family. They all gang up on me assuring me she wouldn’t get me anything like that and I was just like.

My parents kind of look at each other and are like, “Did she talk to you about getting Zak anything we should know about?” and they both kind of shrug and one of my cousins said “She wouldn’t get you anything like this you’re not old enough to know what it does yet!” and laughs at her own stupid joke (I’m not bitter!) and I yell “FINE!” and rip the wrapping paper right down the middle exposing a large flesh colored vibrating suction vagina toy “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED TO SEE THAT I GOT!” and slowly displayed it from one side of the room to the other showing my whole family. I was mortified and left for the other room (WITHOUT THE TOY) shortly after but everyone in my family was dying of laughter and made jokes about it for the rest of the night.

No one really questioned the weird stationary set I had received prior to the pocket vagina, including me. Months later I’m cleaning out my closet, when I came across the stationary set again, I looked at it and it was in plastic shrink wrap and about the size of a square cardboard DVD case maybe a little smaller and I was like, “What the fuck was she thinking? This is SO not me.” I almost tossed it in the trash bag without even bothering to open it, but some little voice inside my head said, “Maybe there are some cool stickers in there or like an awesome pen you can salvage.” and so I open it up and pull the contents out. 

Once I’m holding the contents I realized that it was less paper and more rigid objects in there, almost like cardboard dividers. I slowly start spreading the contents out when I realize that my aunt, to go with my pocket vagina, had also stealthily given me several Hustler Porn DVD’s.

Look, I may be gay, but damn, still she didn’t skimp with the Hustler DVDs. And I can honestly say best gift to this day.

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