I thought having to work on my vacation back home was totally gonna ruin things for me and get in the way but as it turns out it seems to be one of the few things keeping me sane while I’m locked away in this house with no car, slick and icy roads, and friends that all simply didn’t care enough to throw a parade or take days off work for me, it’s fine, I’m not mad.
No, I honestly jest about my friends I get it they have lives and more important things to do than to drop everything to go out to lunch with me or get drinks or get more drinks. I’ve been lucky enough to get into contact with one of my followers on here. Who’s become a good friend (HI ANDREW!) and he’s been keeping me sane while being locked alone in this house like Rapunzel (only with better hair).
With Christmas being less than a week away I’ve never felt less Christmassy ever. I’ve been surprisingly sober this trip and I’m not sure if that’s a life improvement thing or a shitty weather thing but it’s been nice so far. I’ve had a pleasant deep conversation with my dad regarding different sexuality, trans people, and attractions. Which if you knew my dad would probably be surprised to find out that we had a conversation about it and we discussed how I wanted to go to graduate school for a master in Human Sexuality.
But what I want to talk about is how I found it curious when my controller at work told me that she’s only met two people in her life who have been, as she put it, “This is who I am, take it or leave it.” So I guess she’s saying I have self-confidence in being myself? I’ve had multiple people listen to my suggestion of how to handle a situation and tell me they’re not me, they can’t just do that. They also are amazed at my willingness to go out to dinner by myself, move blindly to a different state, and overall just sure in everything I do.
I have never found myself to be a confident person. I will often times form my own opinion and just simply keep it to myself for fear that I’ll sound ridiculous or sound like a terrible person. I’m constantly unsure of my decisions and change my mind at least 10 times before finally settling on something, and I see a therapist twice a month to keep me on track.
I think what people are seeing in me is my serving face. After being a server for 7 years I know how to be likable and look like I know what I’m doing when in reality I don’t remember what the table I was just at asked for. My life is a hot mess filled with all sorts of self-doubts and insecurities but the trick is if you’re going to be weird, be confident about it.
I don’t care what people think about me as long as it’s what I want them to think. I heard that quote somewhere and have pretty much lived my life by it. People perceive me exactly the way I want them to, a white middle class, quiet, gay boy that’s super shy. I’m always the one you least expect to get a DUI, STI, addiction, eating disorder or anything else. I want to come across as a goody-goody and it’s worked for me so far.
Why am I wasting my time confessing this to you? Because I want you all to be cognizant that just because someone portrays themselves a certain way they probably are just as self-conscious and scared as you. The difference is that I don’t like living my life wondering, “What if…” I don’t want to wonder what it’s like dating a guy, I’ll straight up pursue him. I don’t want to end up as some 55-year-old Woody’s patron (a gay bar in Philly) watching the 21 and 22-year-old twinks dance and drool over them because I let life choose the safe path for me where I didn’t get hurt by anyone because I didn’t let them in.
I want to live a life worth talking to people about. I love reacting nonchalantly when I tell people I lived in New Zealand for a year. I want to know that I gave this life my best effort so that someday when I’m in an old folks home sitting in my rocker next to the window I can remember that one time I moved across the country for a boy I loved, or how I ended up on national TV or becoming an English teacher abroad.
I’ll leave you with my favorite quote,
“You’re one of those people who’ve been blessed not only with talent, but with self-awareness. And that means you get to choose what you want to do with your life, instead of life choosing for you. But having that power, the power to choose can be a double-edged sword. Because you can choose wrong.” ~Tommy Wallach.
If nothing else, Fake it until you make it.
Until next time my lovelies.
Have a Merry christmahanakwanzika