My Night with a Naughty Nurse

I’m not sure how it happens to me but I always seem to get the very chatty weird doctors, nurses, therapists, masseuses, etc. Since some of you are probably new readers you probably missed my conversation with a doctor during a physical last year in which he kept me in the office for 45 minutes gushing about Montana (My home state). I posted it just before this one so you can read it if you want to.

Yesterday while I was at UPenn for the study I’m participating in I got this friendly nurse. I will refer to her as NC for Nurse Cougar from here on out. She’s probably about 40-45ish wearing a pencil skirt and flip flops she reminded me of Kirstie Alley 20 years ago (from the tooth fairy movie). NC hands me a pee cup and sends me on my way down to the bathroom. When I come back and drop my urine off on the counter I see she’s on her phone texting. No big deal. So I sit in the chair and wait for her to finish her message and then she puts her phone down shaking her head and, no lie, this was our conversation:

NC: “Ugh, young guys…young guys.” she says absent mindedly trailing off.
Me: “Right?” *in a confused tone because what the hell do you say to that?*
NC: “So I’m seeing this younger guy right? And he’s an engineer, uck like engineers are so weird” she says smirking looking up at the ceiling, “And he works all these crazy hours and he works like 10 hour days and he works through the night and I told him, Man how are you supposed to get laid with those kind of hours? Like I gotta be in bed by 11 because I gotta get up and go to work.”
Me: *Shocked with Jenna Marbles face inside my head know she still had to stick needles in me still*
NC: “So I was like you should ask your boss how you’re supposed to get laid with hours like that and he was all ‘Yeah I’ll see what he says.’”
Me: *Still stunned* was this appropriate patient nurse conversation?
Me: “Heh heh Yeah, those hours suck,” I say dead pan like a bad actor.
NC: “Right? This is what I said to him,” she starts reading her text message to me and I drifted in and out of the message until I hear her saying, “And I’m gonna rip your clothes off and…” I force myself to blank out again…She finally puts her phone down looking pleased with herself.

We continue with the small talk and she asks if I have a roommate, yes…She asked if I liked living with them…yes…Then she opens up about her roommates and talking about how she’s renting out her house she owns and then renting this other house she doesn’t and has 2 roommates and that she didn’t save money like she should have while they’ve been living with her and how she’s been travelling all over (I’m guessing she’s a divorcee who’s living it up). I’m shocked at just how much I’m learning about this nurse who’s conducting a serious study in such a manner.

Finally, my IV drip is done and she tells me that I have to stick around for a half hour to make sure there are no adverse effects. I try to bargain with her,

Me: “How about 15 minutes because my parking runs out at 2:59.”
NC: *Mulling it over in her head* “I…I’m really not supposed to..”
Me: *Sitting there with a blank stare on my face while she keeps mumbling I’m not supposed to, debating if she could let me leave 15 minutes early.*
Me: “I just need to go put more time on my meter so I’m gonna have to go put more money in and then come back,” I say to make it easier for her so she doesn’t to say no.
NC: “I’ll escort you out to your vehicle,” she says with a sly smirk and side eyes as if to say ‘Almost got me!’ thinking I’m lying about coming back.

We’re walking out to my car and my stride is probably twice hers and she’s clopping right along in her flip flops trying to keep pace in a pencil skirt. I have a bright blue bandage wrapped around my arm because my IV connector was there (Because if there was a reaction then the paramedics would have to come and she had to have access to an IV line or something…) I pay for another half hour and we start walking back:

NC: “Woo, get me in the shade!” as she’s fanning her face.
Me: “Aww and you’re in all black too”
NC: “They’ll be calling me Johnny Cash, but I was feeling fat today.”
Me: *Internal Jenna Marbles Face* “Oh…”
NC: *Sigh* “I just got so behind on my summer body this year but I just love food too much.”
Me: “Oh yeah when I’m stressed I’m the opposite I can’t eat, I took 18 credits my last semester in college this year and I was so stressed I looked like I was a heroin addict.”
NC: “Oh and you’re already so tall and slender, I’m sure it was noticeable, you just need to eat more.”
Me: “Yeah that’s what people keep telling me but it’s hard because I’m not hungry when I’m stressed so I’m literally having to force feed myself.”
NC: “Maybe you just need some pot.”
Me: *Burst of laugher* “Yes, yes I do.”
NC: “Definitely, it helps people so much for different problems. Anxiety and hunger..” she trails off.
Me: “Yeah but I don’t think *Current state I’m living in* has anxiety as a recognizable symptom or ailment for their medical marijuana card. Is it? ”
NC: “I don’t know, you just need to get a prescription for anxiety, or get the *insert cannabis pill name here* that cancer patients use. Just tell them you know you’re gonna be stressed during this period and that you need to eat I don’t know if it would work but it’s worth trying.”
Me: *WTF* “Yeah, I guess I’ll have to look into that”
We finally get me back up in the room and I have to sit and wait 20 more minutes to make sure nothing bad would happen. She finally takes my IV connector out and puts a bandage over my arm and sends me on my way.

If you liked this story and didn’t read the doctor one read it now! Also, like my facebook page and follow it because it gives me a false sense of pride.

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