After having recently come out to my besty and her soon to be new husband, I was invited to her wedding. But Shawna and I can never do anything normal, so she had a destination wedding…In Vegas. I know what you might be thinking but I assure you this was a fully planned wedding and no one was pregnant.
Shawna was so excited to have me there for her wedding day and I was so excited to get to go out with the bridesmaids and go see Thunder from Down Under instead of being stuck looking at girls all night. It was exhilarating to be free and be able to look forward to the new experience.
I arrived at my hotel and was already exhausted from my early flight and being in a large crowded area. As soon as I get checked into my hotel I made a b-line for the hotel store to get some liquor. I was newly 21 at the time and had no clue what I liked to drink so I copied what all my friends were doing. Jager. Yes, I bought and drank straight Jager because I didn’t NEED a chaser so it was one less thing to have to buy. Since then Jager and I don’t really hang out much these days, at all actually.
I paid my 20 bucks (I don’t want to talk about the price..) and took my newly purchased treasure up to my room to wait for Shawna and her soon-to-be husband to show up. I got a little bored and wasn’t sure what to do with myself so I started drinking. I was approximately 4 shots in when the bride and groom called me telling me they made it to their hotel and they were heading my way to pick me up to go explore Freemont street.
Walking into Freemont Street was a bit overwhelming for a small town Montana boy. There are street performers everywhere, bands, stages, and an L.E.D. animated canopy overhead. My senses were pulled in all different directions, especially when they had strippers at every turn and I was trying my best to remain Bi. I somehow managed to talk them both into going in a strip club (didn’t have to do too much convincing).
It was apparent that we were not the normal customers as soon as we walked in. We ordered a few overpriced drinks (requirement) and awkwardly sat there next to the stage but not at the tipping bar. Even though I knew I was gay it was still enthralling to be around naked bodies, I can appreciate a nice body on anyone.
It was very clear to everyone in the bar that I was the third wheel with this couple, so I attracted a lot of attention from friendly strippers looking for some extra tips. We were approached by a tall bronzed stripper, who through my drunken haze, sort of looked like Halle Berry. She started talking to us and I do what I commonly do in situations when I travel. I lied and gave a fake story.
See this all originated at my dad’s all year high school reunion in his small town he grew up in. His wife and I felt very awkward not knowing anyone there so while my dad was dragged in all different directions seeing old friends she and I made up our Alias, Nick and Claudia. After that, it just became the norm to make up the most outrageous story I could think of but still make it semi believable.
She asked the normal sort of questions you’d expect; what brings you to Vegas? How long you here for? Where you from? What do you do there? Throughout each question, it always went Shawna, Garret, than me. I was just as excited as everyone else to hear what would come out of my mouth because my guess was as good as anyone else’s there.
When she asked what we did, I blurted out I was a doctor and she didn’t believe me, I then toned it down a bit and said, “Ok well, not yet…I’m in med school now starting my residency in August” She then looks at my friends and then me and was SHOCKED. Shawna and Garret were used to my drunken shenanigans by now so they rolled right along with it.
“SHOOT! You a doctor? Now I’ve seen everything!” I told her I graduated high school when I was 16 and started college early and that’s how I was going into my residency being so young. Oddly enough once people get comfortable with me, they tell all their secrets. Turns out Halle Berry look-a-like was married and some other personal details about her life.
I won’t lie I was pretty impressed with myself for coming up with that lie on the spot and being able to roll with it. If you knew me at all, you know I can’t lie for shit.
After she walks away she obviously started telling the other strippers I was a soon-to-be doctor because we became pretty popular with multiple strippers walking by talking to us and offering to go get drinks for us (On our dime of course). This busty beautiful blonde who was “bi” Zak’s type came up and started talking to us. It was clear she was there for me. She slid into the booth next to me, positioned her body language towards me. Whenever she spoke she leaned in to talk to me and laughed at all my jokes and placed a hand on my arm. She had all the basic psychology down of how to flirt with a guy. After about 10 minutes she smiles at me, holds out her hand and mouths, “follow me” to which I drunkenly obey.
She leads me over to a more secluded area of the horseshoe-shaped bar on the other side. We sit there talking more, she’s funny and being attractive sure didn’t hurt anything. I tried to excuse myself because I had no intentions of tipping or getting a dance or any other services that Vegas strippers might offer.
She grabs my hand as I go to stand up and pulls me in towards her and whispers, “Let me dance for you,” I can feel her hot breath tickle my ear as her lips ever so lightly brush against my ear. I certainly didn’t want to be rude and say, “Eww gross you have a vagina,” So I smiled and thanked her but told her I didn’t think so. She persisted and said, “Come on, It’s 90 for 2 songs and you can touch me anywhere.” I almost laugh out loud. I was thinking, “Honey, I’m from Montana, we have nickel strippers there, alright? I am not paying you 90 dollars for 2 songs when I can get a 20 dollar lap dance at Teasers.”
I smile and tell her it sounds like a deal but that I was starting my residency and that I had student loans so I couldn’t afford that.
“Well then let’s just do one song then it’ll be cheaper” she renegotiates.
I hesitate because I really wasn’t feeling up to forking out money for a lap dance from a woman. I’d rather tip to have a dick shook in my face but I didn’t want to be rude after she just wasted a good 30 or more minutes talking to me. So I agree and she interlaces her fingers in mine and leads me towards the back of the bar.
We walk through some red velvet curtains to the VIP room. On the other side is a huge security guard who looked bored sitting there with his arms crossed and a deadpan face. He looks me up and down as the blonde leads me past him. She shoots him a glare like you don’t have to worry about this one, he looks away uninterested. He was probably wondering how much longer until his shift was over.
She leads me towards a secluded part of the VIP room and turns around, hair whipping around with her like Britney Spears. She gives me just hard enough of a shove in the chest that I take a step back and fall back into a chair. A nice effect I must say. Facing me she throws one 5 inch stiletto over my lap so she’s straddling me. She removes her top and starts gyrating her hips on my groin.
I, of course, was completely beside myself not knowing how to act with a stripper. My mother always taught me respect, so I was a little lost and awkward (and continuing to remind myself she’s someone’s daughter…thanks, mom!). I was even sitting on my hands to refrain from upsetting her by touching her or something.
She was not gonna let that happen, so she grabs my hands and puts them on her waist as she gyrates pulling them up her slender body. She forcefully throws my hands off and gets up and spins around sticking her ass out in a dainty white thong. She thrusts her ass into my groin again grabbing my hands and brings them around to the front of her as she slides them from her waist down the inner part of her thighs, being ever careful to just tease.
The song ends and she gracefully falls into my lap and positions herself in my lap so her backs leaning into my left shoulder but she can still make eye contact as she leans forward and breathily whispers in my ear, “How was that?” I don’t exactly know how to answer, I mentally check my dick and it’s still flaccid so obviously not that good. I lie and use my best acting and say, “Incredible thank you, what do I owe you” wanting to pay her as quickly as possible and get back to my friends.
It was like the girl I spent the last 30 minutes with, enjoying each other’s company went from being interested in me to that of a cold calculating business woman. I know it’s a shocker, a stripper not actually liking the guy?
“Alright well the dance was 40 plus tax and tip, let’s just call it an even 60.”
Being drunk, slightly embarrassed, and remembering there is a huge monster of a bouncer behind me I give her the 60 dollars saying thanks and walk away flustered that I was just hustled by a female stripper like an average trick when I wasn’t even into women. I return to the table with my friends and confess to them I got hustled for a lap dance I didn’t even want because I just like attention, regardless of who it comes from.
After they finally got themselves under control from laughing at me, we all left to get food and giant margaritas. Being newly 21 I, of course, got the 64 oz free refills one for the 45-minute walk back to my hotel. We finished one at dinner and go the refill for the walk home.
I don’t remember much from the walk back I remember falling after jumping off a stair and velvet curtains hanging from the ceilings covering the walls (like a movie theater) of a hotel and I remember drunkenly rubbing my face on them after we stopped in the hotel to use their bathroom. Apparently, after we got back to my hotel we ran into Garret’s boss in the casino and I decided he was my spirit animal and that I could keep up drinking with him (I could not).
If you want to find out what happens when I try to keep up with the Boss drinking the next day like my Facebook page and subscribe to my blog to find out next week the best night in Vegas (and the worst hangover).