Am I Becoming A Cranky Old Man?

Well, last week has come and gone and I didn’t post anything, whoops. I was dealing with more issues with my roommate and I just didn’t have the capacity to write and deal with all that shit. I’ll be the first to admit it’s not his fault, and he might actually scoff out loud if he’s reading this because he thinks that I hate him. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I just honestly don’t care (a byproduct of my depression), I don’t think there is a single person in this world that honestly deserves the energy it takes to hate them. There’s a famous quote that is rumored to be said by Shakespeare,

“Love me or hate me, both are in my favor.
If you love me I’m always in your heart.
If you hate me, I’ll always be in your mind.”

So the opposite of Love is not Hate its indifference. Which is how I feel about most things. Pretty indifferent. It’s gotten so bad it’s spilling over into my romantic life too as I’ve had former people who I thought it was perfectly clear I was in to say they had NO idea that I like liked them in a romantic way. I even had a date with a guy on Saturday who left thinking I wasn’t into him (I know because I text him saying I really liked him and he said he thought I didn’t).

The problem is I don’t really care if I hang out with a person or by myself, both are going to end in basically the same manner. I don’t care if I go do anything on the weekends because I’m just as content sitting on the couch (probably more so in fact) than I am being in a room full of strangers that I don’t care about, for some happy hour or function that I still don’t care about. These are all things my roommate can’t understand because he’s the opposite, He would rather go do something but doesn’t want to do it alone.

For me I’ve never had a ‘good’ living situation, when I lived with my family I was miserable and made them miserable in the process. I don’t know how to tell someone what I need or want from them when they’re living with me until it boils over and I explode over something minor. My family will fully attest to that, I’m sure. When I try to bring a problem up I just get told I’m too sensitive or that I sound like an ass hole.

Here’s a perfect example: My dog is 11 and he’s a mixed breed of a Yorkie and a dachshund and dachshunds are prone to slipped disks in their back in their older age. To me, it seems like it should be fairly obvious if you pay even an ounce of attention to me interacting with him. You’ll hear me telling him down if he’s jumping, you’ll hear me say NO if he’s getting ready to jump off the couch, you’ll see me constantly making dives for him when he does go to jump off the couch, and you’ll never see me scoop him or nudge him off the couch if he’s in the way. I actually pick him up and place him on the floor like a crane machine because I don’t have the money for an emergency surgery if he jumps off the couch and literally breaks his back.

I’ve had two experiences where he acted very lethargic and in pain and not his usual self and I’ve taken him to the vet where he seems to bounce back in the waiting room (Fucker). The vets I have seen don’t really know what to tell me. They say, “Well he’s acting alright now…” and I wasted 150 dollars on an emergency vet visit. The first vet told me he might have a pinched nerve in his neck and that I should use a harness for the rest of his life instead of a collar. I told my roommate this and he then bought a harness for his dog (and accidentally a harness for Bosley).

On Friday we were talking and I watched him nudge Bosley off the couch. I didn’t say anything at first because Bosley is rarely ever by him and he doesn’t do it often and I figured it was a fluke and not to make a deal over something so small. Well, he did it again the following day when we were having a discussion and I asked (in what I believed to be very reasonable and calm manner) that he not scoop Bosley onto the floor (Like that) because he’s 11 and I don’t have the money for a back surgery. He then countered saying it’s like I look for the smallest things to blow out of proportion and that he had forgotten and didn’t think about it and blah blah blah.

I didn’t raise my voice, I didn’t say it with sarcasm I just simply stated what I wanted and it was like I was this huge ass hole for saying anything. Granted—the context of the conversation may have had something to do with it, but how else do you bring up a problem? You bring it up as they do it, right? Not 3 weeks later when they have no memory of doing it, especially with my roommate who can’t remember the things you told him the day before.

It’s not that he does this on purpose or to be an ass hole, he just genuinely likes me as a person (for some strange reason) and I can’t wrap MY head around WHY. He just wants to hang out with me, or have a conversation, or help me out in any way possible and I just want to be left alone. Honestly, it’s like having a little brother that just wants to hang out with you and your friends because you’re so cool and he looks up to you.

When I get home, on the day’s he doesn’t leave to give me some alone time, he’s sitting on the couch and starts talking about a package I had delivered, or how he took the dogs on a walk already so I don’t have to, or how he’s cleaned the bathroom, or he took the garbage out for me or how he stopped at the store and picked up the things I asked him too, or asking me if I would want to go to the zoo, or the beach, or to dinner and I just don’t know how to deal with that other than reacting like an annoyed older brother would.

Maybe these are normal things for people who live together, but for me things are different and I honestly have no idea why. I hated my sister when we lived together. We were constantly at each other’s throats and it’s because of the same reason, she just wanted to hang out with me, be a part of my life, tell me things happening in her life and hear things happening in my life. At one point when we lived in the same house, I got so pissed at her over something she said that I didn’t speak directly to her for literally MONTHS I acted as if she didn’t exist.

I still haven’t figured out why this is. Maybe it’s because I’ve had “You can’t live with your best friend without winding up hating each other” drilled into my head that I subconsciously think that you’re gonna hate everyone you live with and so I hate whoever just based off that. Maybe affection at any level makes me uncomfortable being unable to return it so I try to sabotage their affection for me by being as big of an ass hole as possible so they treat me indifferent and I don’t have to feel so bad for being unable to return their level of affection or interest.

Honestly, this is something I’ve been struggling with since probably about 13 or 14 years old. I would really appreciate any kind of insight, suggestions, or other people’s experiences with roommates. I’m petrified that I’m incapable of cohabiting with other people and that as a result, I will drive anyone I actually love away because of my inability to share space with someone else.

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Know Your Worth Then Add Tax

Hot diggity damn two weeks in a row posting. Somebody just try and stop me! As some of you may have seen from Facebook or Instagram I posted a picture that said, “Always remember, someone’s efforts is a reflection of their interest in you.” Perhaps this isn’t news to you, it sure wasn’t to me, but reading those words two days ago really resonated with me and it was like a light switch was flipped on.

Perhaps it’s because of my current situation. I asked the guy I was sort of ‘seeing’ to go see ‘It’ with me and he told me maybe even though I regularly go see movies I have no interest in with him just to spend time with him and because I know he wanted to see it. So fine, fuck him right?

I ask my old friends with benefits, who’s just a friend now, to go with me and he also said maybe. This has really fucked up my moon theory. So thanks a lot, ass holes (said to those guys, not you, my lovely readers…unless you’re the guys I’m talking about then definitely fuck you). I even resorted to trying to get two fuck bois on Grindr to sit through ‘It’ with me and they both told me maybe too! So fuck your maybes, fuck your indecision, this train has left the station.

Now, use common sense, this isn’t the first and only incidence of this. This is just the straw the broke the camel’s back. The worst part is that this is all psychology. As the Cobra Starship song says, “Treat them like dirt and they’ll stick to the bottom of your shoe” We want what we can’t have and if someone treats you with indifference or as an option it drives us crazy. Don’t hold out hope that if you show them how much they mean to you that they’ll start to treat you the way you deserve to be treated; believe me, I’ve learned from experience. Once an option you’ll always just be an option to them and it’ll hurt you more in the long run than if you recognize the signs and walk away on your terms.

I captioned the post saying:

Remember you shouldn’t have to put all the effort in.
If they cared, they’d call.
If they wanted to see you, they would have accepted your invite.
If they considered your feelings, they’d return your text as soon as they could.
If they gave a shit about you, they would never make you feel like a consolation prize.
If they respected you, they wouldn’t be sleeping with other people.
FACT my dear, he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t want you. You’re just convenient and the only one that answers his calls when he’s lonely.

Let. Him. Go.

Now, maybe that was more of a letter to 21 year old newly out and dating Zak, but I’ve talked to a lot of people on my Facebook (Don’t be afraid to email too! zak@zakawry.com) and many guys I talk to are like me, where when treated as indifferent only made us try harder to get them to like us, so those guys who are indifferent just love the attention so they continually call us for validation and an ego boost. 

To keep us interested and enticed enough they do little things like spread little these breadcrumbs of hope here and there. You don’t hear from him for a couple weeks and then out of the blue, he messages you saying ‘how much he’s missed you and how busy he’s been and how he’d love to see you tonight’ and then you’re right back into the negative cycle feeling like you’re going insane.

I often times lose myself in a new person, I want to fully embrace their passions and be a part of their life and like what they like and hate what they hate (By treating them the way I want to be treated). So I try to like the same things they do so that we have common ground and we have something we could do together and enjoy. Often times, however, I end up focusing more on the person than the ‘common ground’ interests and then get hurt when I’m not getting the returned attention. This never works. I’ve been a people pleaser my whole life and I would constantly put others feelings and joys first even at the expense of my own. STOP IT. You deserve better. 

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