You Do You.

Hello Everyone! I know it’s been like…2 weeks since I made a post, but I’ve been busy talking with people and answering the question whether Garrett and I are still together and a plethora of other questions. A couple of you had me laughing when I responded to your messages and you told me you were fangirling over me responding. (Heads up, as long as you don’t send a “hey” message I generally try to respond to everyone’s messages and questions!)

Some of the points may be scattered, try to stay with me. Lots of you have told me that you wished you had more friends like me because you could have more decent conversations (Thanks, Glenn!).  What I told Glenn (and others) is that you need to put out into the universe what you want to attract to you, be it friends or romantic partners. It’s called the law of attraction. Think about it for a minute, when you’re in a good mood do you want to be around someone who’s going to, either intentionally or unintentionally, shit on your parade? My guess is probably not.

Glenn explained that there wasn’t a shortage of people in his life and that he always tries to be kind, helpful, and loyal, he just happens to give people too many chances. He’s not the first one to tell me that and what I think everyone needs to realize is that the number one person that people look out for is themselves.

It’s been my experience that people will always, ALWAYS, walk over and take advantage of anyone that gives them the opportunity. I discovered this as a naïve small-town Montana boy who moved to the big ol East Coast where people won’t even look you in the eyes when they pass by. What I’m going to tell you is going to sound terrible but hear me out.

Be selfish. Make yourself your priority because I promise you, no one else is going to make you a priority. I give advice from quotes that I’ve stolen from Wordporn or Poemporn and one of my favorites to this day is, “If you keep avoiding self-love, the universe will keep sending people who also avoid loving you, hoping you get a little clue.” – I’ll let you reread that and let it sink in.

When I first moved to the East Coast I didn’t move for myself, I moved for someone. Someone that I put their needs even above my own. To be completely honest, I hated myself, I hated who I was, and I didn’t love myself, I felt like my sole purpose in life was to make him and other people happy and I did everything I possibly could to make him happy. I bought expensive Broadway tickets, I’d go out of my way to go visit him and bring him dinners at work, I went to all his performances and helped promote his band, I MOVED ACROSS THE FUCKING COUNTRY TO FINALLY BE WITH HIM. But the harder I tried the more he let me down.

After everything we went through it still ended with him doing what was best for him regardless of me. Which is how it should be, but it really hurt not being someone’s priority and that was when something in me snapped. I was sick and fucking tired of playing a supporting role in my own fucking life.

After he broke up with me that was when I decided enough was enough. I was done trying to make other people happy because no one seemed to care about making me happy. I quit listening to other people’s opinions about my hair and clothes and what I was doing with my life. I made myself the priority I’ve never been in someone else’s life, and that was when things changed for me.

It’s freeing, honestly, once you realize no one is ever, EVER, going to care for you the way YOU care for you opened my eyes. No more was I a slave to making myself available for people. To quote Susan Cain, “Spend your free time the way you like, not the way you think you’re supposed to. Stay home on New Year’s Eve if that’s what makes you happy. Skip the committee meeting. Cross the street to avoid making aimless chitchat with random acquaintances. Read. Cook. Run. Write a story.

Sure living the way you want is going to piss some people off, I learned that when I got ‘Faggot’ delivered to my inbox from a few closeted fellows who saw Catfish and felt the need to seek me out to tell me how much they hate me. “If you don’t like me, but still watch everything I do, Bitch you a fan.” and as Rupauls mother used to say, “People talking shit since the beginning of time unless they paying your bills, pay them bitches no mind”

It’s okay to want your own happiness. It’s okay to care about yourself the most. You are not obligated to sit there and smile and swallow every bit of shit everyone heaps on you. You are more than furniture, you’re more than window dressing, you’re human and you have the right to say, “That was shitty of you,” you have a right to protest your own mistreatment and set boundaries for respectful interactions. The rest of the world doesn’t realize you have this right and they will act offended and appalled when you exercise it, but it’s yours.” ~Unknown

Don’t forget that. I know this post was heavy with quotes, but that’s just because they can say what I think so much better. I have a quote wall in my cubicle at work and I have some of these quotes posted so that I see them every day. I think you should try the same thing, put it in your locker, your cube, on your phones wallpaper, where ever you’re going to keep seeing it so you keep reminding yourself until it becomes second nature.

If you have questions or want advice you’re more than welcome to message me on facebook or send me an email (zak@zakawry.com) as I said I always try to respond and give any advice when I can.

Are We Still Together?

Hello Everyone!

Gosh, I’ve had such an overwhelming response of nice messages I’ve barely been able to keep up! If you’re reading this right now it’s more than likely because you saw my episode of Catfish last night and want to know if Garrett and I are still together. So I thought I would write this short post and answer everyone’s burning question.

Sorry to disappoint but Garrett and I were never officially “together”. We still talk and we still tell each other we love each other, but no, we are not together. Distance is a really shitty thing. We both want each other but know because of the distance it would only end in heartbreak. He made plans to move with his best friend this summer and he is a man of his word, which I respect, and so it would be at least a year before he would be ready to move out of Kansas and I don’t want to move somewhere that far and new only to move again in less than a year.

After watching the episode I even made the leap today saying that maybe we should reconsider dating, because the episode brought back all of my feelings and I realized I don’t care about the distance or how long it would take but, unfortunately, it’s just bad timing right now. Don’t be sad though that’s the beauty of life, nothing is permanent, I’m making plans to go see him once he’s settled this summer and I’ll be holding out hope that I will be with the love of my life this time next year. Everyone cross your fingers for me!

Love,
Zak Awry

PS. I will cut you if you try to hit on my future husband.

Life Update

I have had a few questions from people (Hi Alex!) asking how I can be so open about my life, What I tell people and what I keep private. I am not afraid of what people think of me and etc. So I just don’t care. I get to hide behind a computer and type out the stuff in my head without worry of offending someone, boring someone, or inconveniencing someone, they can choose when and where they read my babbling.

As for what I choose to tell people — I’m an open book. You’re judging me one way or another right this second either negatively or positively so what the fuck do I care if you know I had an STD, or moved across the country for love or made a bad decision getting laser hair removal. It’s not your life and if you want to judge me for my actions so be it, perhaps you’ll learn a lesson from me and NOT follow my mistakes. I write about life experiences and hope they have helped a person. I want you all to avoid the pitfalls I ran into.

I’ve been dealing with a lot these last few weeks. I’m suing my roommate, I just taped a show for MTV (Catfish if you must know) Had the holidays and trying to decide where to move. I moved to Delaware on a whim because I fell in love with a boy, rookie mistake, I lied and said it was for school and now that school is done, no guy around here has given me a reason to stay, and my job certainly hasn’t given me a reason to stay, so I know that it’s time to move on.

If you’re no longer being challenged in life or you’re not happy with your situation, CHANGE IT. I have no idea what I’m going to do, to be honest. I have a feeling I’m going to purge as much of my stuff as I can, rent the cheapest trailer I can find and just city hop for a couple months. Try Columbus OH out for 6 months and if I like it cool I’ll stay and look for a more permanent job, if I don’t I’ll pack my few things again and move to the next city on my life until I can nail down the place I want to live.

Moving’s hard unless you have someone or something you’re moving too and I think that’s why so many people stay in their hometowns. They have nothing or no one to move for so why bother disrupting what they know. I literally printed out a US map spun around a lot and stuck a pin in it to see where I was going to move to.

Sacramento is probably the closest to the pin I put in Cali so looks like I *MAY* be moving across the country again. I just have a lot of dependents going on right now and the next upcoming months should be able to give me an indication of how I’m going to choose my next location. My dear friend Andrew is very sick so I may end up in Tennessee taking care of him because he’s become more than a friend, he’s become family and you make sacrifices for family right?

If my house sells fast enough I’ll be down in Tennessee as soon as I get my stuff loaded up, if not then I’ll head to Columbus take an English as a 2nd language teaching program and go teach people in Thailand English, or get my graduate degree in social work and come back east to go to Widener to get my Ph.D. in Human Sexuality.

I probably sound like I’m wicked smart and have my life together right? Well jokes on you, I don’t even know what I’m having for dinner tonight. I just live my life with not wanting to live in regret. I want to live a full life and I want to know what would happen if I dated that guy that’s perfect for me but I’m too afraid he might hurt me. I want to move to a new city I’ve never visited with a guy I’ve internet dated for months.

So we’ll see what the next few months hold, how fast my house sells, and where I end up. Hell, I might just stay in Delaware for my therapist alone.
If you like my posts remember to subscribe I’ve stopped putting them on Facebook as much because my IT guy won’t fix my thumbnail viewer.

So IF there is a computer guy out there that can help me with SSL and thumbnail views I don’t have much money (any really, this is a free blog) but would totally appreciate some help so I might be able to get back to posting regularly.

Love my little Awry’s *Muah*

Am I Becoming A Cranky Old Man?

Well, last week has come and gone and I didn’t post anything, whoops. I was dealing with more issues with my roommate and I just didn’t have the capacity to write and deal with all that shit. I’ll be the first to admit it’s not his fault, and he might actually scoff out loud if he’s reading this because he thinks that I hate him. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I just honestly don’t care (a byproduct of my depression), I don’t think there is a single person in this world that honestly deserves the energy it takes to hate them. There’s a famous quote that is rumored to be said by Shakespeare,

“Love me or hate me, both are in my favor.
If you love me I’m always in your heart.
If you hate me, I’ll always be in your mind.”

So the opposite of Love is not Hate its indifference. Which is how I feel about most things. Pretty indifferent. It’s gotten so bad it’s spilling over into my romantic life too as I’ve had former people who I thought it was perfectly clear I was in to say they had NO idea that I like liked them in a romantic way. I even had a date with a guy on Saturday who left thinking I wasn’t into him (I know because I text him saying I really liked him and he said he thought I didn’t).

The problem is I don’t really care if I hang out with a person or by myself, both are going to end in basically the same manner. I don’t care if I go do anything on the weekends because I’m just as content sitting on the couch (probably more so in fact) than I am being in a room full of strangers that I don’t care about, for some happy hour or function that I still don’t care about. These are all things my roommate can’t understand because he’s the opposite, He would rather go do something but doesn’t want to do it alone.

For me I’ve never had a ‘good’ living situation, when I lived with my family I was miserable and made them miserable in the process. I don’t know how to tell someone what I need or want from them when they’re living with me until it boils over and I explode over something minor. My family will fully attest to that, I’m sure. When I try to bring a problem up I just get told I’m too sensitive or that I sound like an ass hole.

Here’s a perfect example: My dog is 11 and he’s a mixed breed of a Yorkie and a dachshund and dachshunds are prone to slipped disks in their back in their older age. To me, it seems like it should be fairly obvious if you pay even an ounce of attention to me interacting with him. You’ll hear me telling him down if he’s jumping, you’ll hear me say NO if he’s getting ready to jump off the couch, you’ll see me constantly making dives for him when he does go to jump off the couch, and you’ll never see me scoop him or nudge him off the couch if he’s in the way. I actually pick him up and place him on the floor like a crane machine because I don’t have the money for an emergency surgery if he jumps off the couch and literally breaks his back.

I’ve had two experiences where he acted very lethargic and in pain and not his usual self and I’ve taken him to the vet where he seems to bounce back in the waiting room (Fucker). The vets I have seen don’t really know what to tell me. They say, “Well he’s acting alright now…” and I wasted 150 dollars on an emergency vet visit. The first vet told me he might have a pinched nerve in his neck and that I should use a harness for the rest of his life instead of a collar. I told my roommate this and he then bought a harness for his dog (and accidentally a harness for Bosley).

On Friday we were talking and I watched him nudge Bosley off the couch. I didn’t say anything at first because Bosley is rarely ever by him and he doesn’t do it often and I figured it was a fluke and not to make a deal over something so small. Well, he did it again the following day when we were having a discussion and I asked (in what I believed to be very reasonable and calm manner) that he not scoop Bosley onto the floor (Like that) because he’s 11 and I don’t have the money for a back surgery. He then countered saying it’s like I look for the smallest things to blow out of proportion and that he had forgotten and didn’t think about it and blah blah blah.

I didn’t raise my voice, I didn’t say it with sarcasm I just simply stated what I wanted and it was like I was this huge ass hole for saying anything. Granted—the context of the conversation may have had something to do with it, but how else do you bring up a problem? You bring it up as they do it, right? Not 3 weeks later when they have no memory of doing it, especially with my roommate who can’t remember the things you told him the day before.

It’s not that he does this on purpose or to be an ass hole, he just genuinely likes me as a person (for some strange reason) and I can’t wrap MY head around WHY. He just wants to hang out with me, or have a conversation, or help me out in any way possible and I just want to be left alone. Honestly, it’s like having a little brother that just wants to hang out with you and your friends because you’re so cool and he looks up to you.

When I get home, on the day’s he doesn’t leave to give me some alone time, he’s sitting on the couch and starts talking about a package I had delivered, or how he took the dogs on a walk already so I don’t have to, or how he’s cleaned the bathroom, or he took the garbage out for me or how he stopped at the store and picked up the things I asked him too, or asking me if I would want to go to the zoo, or the beach, or to dinner and I just don’t know how to deal with that other than reacting like an annoyed older brother would.

Maybe these are normal things for people who live together, but for me things are different and I honestly have no idea why. I hated my sister when we lived together. We were constantly at each other’s throats and it’s because of the same reason, she just wanted to hang out with me, be a part of my life, tell me things happening in her life and hear things happening in my life. At one point when we lived in the same house, I got so pissed at her over something she said that I didn’t speak directly to her for literally MONTHS I acted as if she didn’t exist.

I still haven’t figured out why this is. Maybe it’s because I’ve had “You can’t live with your best friend without winding up hating each other” drilled into my head that I subconsciously think that you’re gonna hate everyone you live with and so I hate whoever just based off that. Maybe affection at any level makes me uncomfortable being unable to return it so I try to sabotage their affection for me by being as big of an ass hole as possible so they treat me indifferent and I don’t have to feel so bad for being unable to return their level of affection or interest.

Honestly, this is something I’ve been struggling with since probably about 13 or 14 years old. I would really appreciate any kind of insight, suggestions, or other people’s experiences with roommates. I’m petrified that I’m incapable of cohabiting with other people and that as a result, I will drive anyone I actually love away because of my inability to share space with someone else.

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The Origin

Is it Zak-a-ree or Zak-a-rye? This all started this last weekend when I was texting my mom and she asked, “So, you know how you came up with Zak Awry (Zachary) and it’s a play on words?” I couldn’t help but smile at my mother’s naiveté and quickly corrected, “No, no, no, it’s Zak-a-rye, not a-ree.” I thought it was just my ex that misunderstood and pronounced it Zak Awww-ree but as it turns out many more people don’t understand the symbolism or the pronunciation behind my name.

So in the famous lyrics of Britney Spears: “it’s Britney…erm… Zak Awry, bitch.”

Believe it or not, and some people actually do, but Awry is not my real last name. You see, it was January 2nd, 2015 and I posted pictures of me in makeup and a dress because some friends and I got bored and drunk New Year’s Eve. I let the girls we were hanging out with do my makeup and gush about how skinny I was in comparison to them and find me a dress. May I just say how flattering that dress looked on me? LEGS FOR DAYS!

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My famous side glance
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I posted the pictures on Facebook so that I could share it with some of my friends, in Spokane, who do drag, because my boyfriend and I were going to be visiting there at the end of the month.  It ended up being a popular post and I had significantly fewer friends, only like 350 maybe, and it was one of my top liked posts at the time. I seemed to be getting a lot of good feedback from it, people seemed to mostly understand that 1. Alcohol was involved and 2. That it was all in good fun.

The next day, my uncle posted this as his status,

“Why would the gay, lesbian, transgender society primp like they do. You want equality then quit wearing high heels put some work boots on and man or woman up. Men dressing like women, and vice versa keep it to yourselves. Do what you want on your own time. I don’t plaster pics of myself so in good taste and equality keep them to yourself.”

It was clearly directed at me, so I simply posted a picture of me in the dress saying, “Love you too, Uncle.” To let him know I received his message loud and clear and I wasn’t going to go back into the closet quietly. I fought too fucking hard for 22 long years against my inner demons to get out of that fucking closet and I sure as hell was not going to go back in for the sake of my uncle’s view of “equality”. I didn’t even bother calling my mom or aunts to tattle on him, his ignorance was proudly displayed on his Facebook for all to see. Besides, I had better things to do than to worry about what my small town uncle thinks.

Unfortunately, I was the first comment on it, so MOST of my aunts and cousins had already seen it and connected the dots between the timing of my posts and his and who his was directed at.  One of my aunts called him out on his shit for his post and mentioned me and I realized I shouldn’t air my dirty laundry on Facebook, so I removed my comment after about an hour. It was too late though, as my family all talked and my uncle kept his post up out of stubbornness the family quickly picked sides, which was mostly my side. I received more and more messages from family members telling me not to listen to what my uncle said and my mom was even pissed at her own brother. I didn’t really care what my uncle thought or said I just wanted to basically say, “Fuck you, tag me the next time you want to subtweet to me.”

At some point, my dad found out, through either myself or my sister, and instead of trying to diffuse my anger he actually only escalated the situation. Although I know my dad loves me and will always have my back no matter what, and will punch a mother fucker in the mouth for talking shit about me, our conversation felt like he was agreeing more with my uncle than with me. I don’t remember the exact conversation but I remember it ended with him scornfully asking me,

“What am I supposed to tell your grandmother when she asks why you were in a dress? Do I tell her you want to be a woman now? Huh? I don’t know what to tell her, know your audience!”

I calmly through gritted teeth told him to tell her the truth; that I was drunk and broke on New Year’s and some girls asked to put makeup and a dress on me and that it was all a farce. I was seething because of what drama some fun pictures were causing me, and although I wanted to rebel and shove my gayness down everyone’s throat, I couldn’t ignore the last thing my dad had said, know your audience. I couldn’t get these words out of my head while I silently scrolled through my newsfeed realizing just how many people I forgot I was friends with: neighbors, friends parents, previous employers, current employer (although they loved me and my gayness), and heaps of family. I had more than a few people I would be ok with seeing a little bit less of my true personality.

That was when I remembered what a kid from high school did with his Myspace (back when that was a thing).  He had two accounts labeled (John Smith, John Smith for family.) and his normal one was set to private so his family members couldn’t see anything he was posting or saying. I thought; BRILLIANT! I’ll just make a second Facebook, but since I couldn’t create my own headliner like Myspace, I would just create a persona for the select group of people.

Now, I just had to come up with my name. I knew I didn’t want to change my first name because when I was younger I hated my name (Zach). I kept begging my parents to let me change my first name for the longest time, to which they’d always said no and guilt me for not appreciating the name I was given. However, one day in middle school, I realized Zach wasn’t my legal name, that it was just a short-hand for my full name and that I could spell that version of my name any. Way. I. Wanted.

To be rebellious I left the H off my name for a few months and spelled it Zac. That was fine for a while until one day before high school I was in the grocery store with my dad while he wrote an order for work, and I asked if he would buy me a travel mug for school. He said: “sure.” After looking through some of the different brands I found kid’s dinnerware in that section from a ‘Zak! Designs’, and after seeing it spelled that way I instantly fell in love with my name and decided that was how I wanted it for the rest of my life. If I couldn’t choose my name, I was going to choose how my name was spelled.

I tried a couple different name variations for an alias: Zakary Divine, Zakary Diamond, Zakari Divine, Zak Aroo. However, nothing seemed to fit or flow so I tried to narrow it down to which version of my first name I would use and decide from there. I thought back to my first serving job where everyone had nicknames for me like Zaktastic, Zak-a-roo, Zakattack, etc., and I remember one of my managers used to say, “Aye Zak-A-Rye?” and I always liked it when he called me Zak-a-rye.

So, I knew I really wanted my first name to be Zak-a-rye but I didn’t know how to spell it. I thought Zakari was close but thought too many people would think I was trying to do a version of Zachary, which I wasn’t. As I tried to think over the next few days and did some light research online I gave up trying because I couldn’t find a spelling and nothing flowed with Zak-a-rye either.  I wished I just had one name to worry about like Cher or Madonna.  That was when it donned on me, who says I needed to follow social customs and have two names? I mean, fuck social norms, am I right? What if I did just my first name but split into two?

I toyed with the idea and I thought how do I split Zak-a-rye up and thought Zak Arye would be a good alternative, and then I could explain the origin if anyone asked how I came up with my name, kind of like Phil Maccock (get it? Like feel my cock).

I sat staring at Arye saying it over and over in my head and finally after a dozen times or so it occurred to me that awry was an actual word. I looked up the definition, “away from the appropriate, planned, or expected course; amiss.” And it was like the clouds parted and the sunshine came blazing through my haze as angels sang. It was everything I wanted: Only my first name, a play on words, and because my second profile was going to be my party, gay, drag, bar, and drunk Facebook, what happens when you combine all those things? Yes, things go..AWRY. Boom.

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