Life Update

I have had a few questions from people (Hi Alex!) asking how I can be so open about my life, What I tell people and what I keep private. I am not afraid of what people think of me and etc. So I just don’t care. I get to hide behind a computer and type out the stuff in my head without worry of offending someone, boring someone, or inconveniencing someone, they can choose when and where they read my babbling.

As for what I choose to tell people — I’m an open book. You’re judging me one way or another right this second either negatively or positively so what the fuck do I care if you know I had an STD, or moved across the country for love or made a bad decision getting laser hair removal. It’s not your life and if you want to judge me for my actions so be it, perhaps you’ll learn a lesson from me and NOT follow my mistakes. I write about life experiences and hope they have helped a person. I want you all to avoid the pitfalls I ran into.

I’ve been dealing with a lot these last few weeks. I’m suing my roommate, I just taped a show for MTV (Catfish if you must know) Had the holidays and trying to decide where to move. I moved to Delaware on a whim because I fell in love with a boy, rookie mistake, I lied and said it was for school and now that school is done, no guy around here has given me a reason to stay, and my job certainly hasn’t given me a reason to stay, so I know that it’s time to move on.

If you’re no longer being challenged in life or you’re not happy with your situation, CHANGE IT. I have no idea what I’m going to do, to be honest. I have a feeling I’m going to purge as much of my stuff as I can, rent the cheapest trailer I can find and just city hop for a couple months. Try Columbus OH out for 6 months and if I like it cool I’ll stay and look for a more permanent job, if I don’t I’ll pack my few things again and move to the next city on my life until I can nail down the place I want to live.

Moving’s hard unless you have someone or something you’re moving too and I think that’s why so many people stay in their hometowns. They have nothing or no one to move for so why bother disrupting what they know. I literally printed out a US map spun around a lot and stuck a pin in it to see where I was going to move to.

Sacramento is probably the closest to the pin I put in Cali so looks like I *MAY* be moving across the country again. I just have a lot of dependents going on right now and the next upcoming months should be able to give me an indication of how I’m going to choose my next location. My dear friend Andrew is very sick so I may end up in Tennessee taking care of him because he’s become more than a friend, he’s become family and you make sacrifices for family right?

If my house sells fast enough I’ll be down in Tennessee as soon as I get my stuff loaded up, if not then I’ll head to Columbus take an English as a 2nd language teaching program and go teach people in Thailand English, or get my graduate degree in social work and come back east to go to Widener to get my Ph.D. in Human Sexuality.

I probably sound like I’m wicked smart and have my life together right? Well jokes on you, I don’t even know what I’m having for dinner tonight. I just live my life with not wanting to live in regret. I want to live a full life and I want to know what would happen if I dated that guy that’s perfect for me but I’m too afraid he might hurt me. I want to move to a new city I’ve never visited with a guy I’ve internet dated for months.

So we’ll see what the next few months hold, how fast my house sells, and where I end up. Hell, I might just stay in Delaware for my therapist alone.
If you like my posts remember to subscribe I’ve stopped putting them on Facebook as much because my IT guy won’t fix my thumbnail viewer.

So IF there is a computer guy out there that can help me with SSL and thumbnail views I don’t have much money (any really, this is a free blog) but would totally appreciate some help so I might be able to get back to posting regularly.

Love my little Awry’s *Muah*

Clippings

I’m not sure what to call these, but I’m calling them clippings.

“Don’t worry you’re young, you’ll love again.” She tried to console

He looked at her thoughtfully, drying his eyes, considering this.

“Life is full of many different kinds of love, each of them as unique
and different as the person you loved.  Even if we were to get back
together, the love we had is forever gone. Changed. Different. It will
never be the same. I’m not crying because I fear I’ll never love again,
I cry because I’m mourning this very unique and special love we shared that’s forever gone.”

~An excerpt from a book I’ll never write

Know Your Worth Then Add Tax

Hot diggity damn two weeks in a row posting. Somebody just try and stop me! As some of you may have seen from Facebook or Instagram I posted a picture that said, “Always remember, someone’s efforts is a reflection of their interest in you.” Perhaps this isn’t news to you, it sure wasn’t to me, but reading those words two days ago really resonated with me and it was like a light switch was flipped on.

Perhaps it’s because of my current situation. I asked the guy I was sort of ‘seeing’ to go see ‘It’ with me and he told me maybe even though I regularly go see movies I have no interest in with him just to spend time with him and because I know he wanted to see it. So fine, fuck him right?

I ask my old friends with benefits, who’s just a friend now, to go with me and he also said maybe. This has really fucked up my moon theory. So thanks a lot, ass holes (said to those guys, not you, my lovely readers…unless you’re the guys I’m talking about then definitely fuck you). I even resorted to trying to get two fuck bois on Grindr to sit through ‘It’ with me and they both told me maybe too! So fuck your maybes, fuck your indecision, this train has left the station.

Now, use common sense, this isn’t the first and only incidence of this. This is just the straw the broke the camel’s back. The worst part is that this is all psychology. As the Cobra Starship song says, “Treat them like dirt and they’ll stick to the bottom of your shoe” We want what we can’t have and if someone treats you with indifference or as an option it drives us crazy. Don’t hold out hope that if you show them how much they mean to you that they’ll start to treat you the way you deserve to be treated; believe me, I’ve learned from experience. Once an option you’ll always just be an option to them and it’ll hurt you more in the long run than if you recognize the signs and walk away on your terms.

I captioned the post saying:

Remember you shouldn’t have to put all the effort in.
If they cared, they’d call.
If they wanted to see you, they would have accepted your invite.
If they considered your feelings, they’d return your text as soon as they could.
If they gave a shit about you, they would never make you feel like a consolation prize.
If they respected you, they wouldn’t be sleeping with other people.
FACT my dear, he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t want you. You’re just convenient and the only one that answers his calls when he’s lonely.

Let. Him. Go.

Now, maybe that was more of a letter to 21 year old newly out and dating Zak, but I’ve talked to a lot of people on my Facebook (Don’t be afraid to email too! zak@zakawry.com) and many guys I talk to are like me, where when treated as indifferent only made us try harder to get them to like us, so those guys who are indifferent just love the attention so they continually call us for validation and an ego boost. 

To keep us interested and enticed enough they do little things like spread little these breadcrumbs of hope here and there. You don’t hear from him for a couple weeks and then out of the blue, he messages you saying ‘how much he’s missed you and how busy he’s been and how he’d love to see you tonight’ and then you’re right back into the negative cycle feeling like you’re going insane.

I often times lose myself in a new person, I want to fully embrace their passions and be a part of their life and like what they like and hate what they hate (By treating them the way I want to be treated). So I try to like the same things they do so that we have common ground and we have something we could do together and enjoy. Often times, however, I end up focusing more on the person than the ‘common ground’ interests and then get hurt when I’m not getting the returned attention. This never works. I’ve been a people pleaser my whole life and I would constantly put others feelings and joys first even at the expense of my own. STOP IT. You deserve better. 

I hate plugging this shit but it seems to help. Please, please, if you like my blog subscribe up at the top, I don’t have access to your information, I don’t sell your shit (not that I would even know WHO to sell it to), and I don’t spam your account. It’s just an email saying I posted something. Sometimes I don’t post all my stuff to Facebook. Speaking of, go like my facebook page while you’re at it because I’m cute.  xx www.facebook.com/zakawry